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Is It Possible That We’ve Been Separated Too Long To Reconcile?
Most of the time, spouses who are reluctant to separate initially hope that the separation will end as soon as possible. Often they fear that the longer the separation lasts, the less likely they are to save their marriage.
I heard a woman say to me, “My husband and I have been separated for almost nine months. At first it was only supposed to be a brief trial separation. he wanted some peace and quiet for himself. I didn’t think it would last very long. I figured the worst case scenario was that he was gone for a month or maybe two. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that almost three quarters of a year would pass and we would no longer be together. Some of my friends have told me that the separation has lasted so long that it’s time for me to face reality. They say the duration of the time is too long and that means my marriage is over. Are they right?” I will give you my opinion on this below.
Why there is no deadline to get back together: Granted, the longer you’ve been apart, the more disheartening it can be. After all, things often get more and more awkward. As a result, you may begin to wonder if the long separation simply indicates that there is no more hope. However, I have known many couples who have reconciled months or even years after their separation began. Admittedly, this is not the norm. But it happens. I know this because it happened to me. And often when that happens, it’s because someone has made a deliberate and courageous effort to keep their marriage. Below I will offer some suggestions on how to do this.
Make sure you don’t get complacent and let the distance become both literal and figurative: One of the main reasons why the passage of time is such a threat during a separation is that the passage of time causes doubt and embarrassment. One or both people begin to wonder why their spouse isn’t reaching out more, and because they fear being rejected, they may back off as well.
And before you know it, a good chunk of time has passed without any interaction. And then one day brings another and eventually you’re looking at weeks or even months since you’ve spoken or seen your spouse. You want to avoid this if possible. Even if things are uncertain or awkward, you still want to keep the lines of communication open. Of course, things can get so awkward that all you can handle is a weekly cup of coffee together. It’s definitely better than nothing and if you can see it making your time together enjoyable and both of you coming to expect or look forward to it, then that’s something you can build on.
But it is better to have regular and awkward or tense conversations and meetings than none at all. You don’t want to let too much go without any communication. If this is the case in your situation, it may be a good idea to take the initiative to try to change this. Yes, you can feel vulnerable and risk being rejected. But keep it very simple and light. Your goal is not to save your marriage in one meeting or even a series of meetings. Your real goal is simply to start improving your interactions, even if only a little bit. You already know this is going to be a gradual process. But if you can get your relationship back on track to something regular, even if it’s just informal, short meetings or communications, then it’s something worth having.
There is no expiration date on your marriage: People often think that if too much time passes, their spouse will eventually forget about them or their marriage. Or they fear that their spouse will meet someone else. These things happen sometimes, but sometimes they are only temporary. People get back together and make up all the time. There is no expiration date on your marriage or any period of time when you have reached the point of no return. Of course, it’s in your best interest to try to keep things positive and try to improve things so that a reconciliation happens as soon as possible.
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