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Subconsciously I Miss You
It is amazing how we have the ability to suppress certain purely ordered realities to the point of seeing them affect our conscious lives. We go about our daily routines unaware of the effect certain relationships have on how we interact with other relationships. Sometimes we even suffer horribly in our love life. Never once giving a conscious thought as to why we have such a hard time being happy.
But no matter how long it takes… fate will prevail and as a result… the past comes back to haunt us.
My best friend and soul mate has been in my shadow for 30 years. I rejected his undying love because I thought he wasn’t what I should have had… I was self-centered. In the beginning, we connected on a high spiritual level. It was so easy to be with him. However, he wanted me to just be myself and not let life influence me to become someone else, just because my other friends wanted me to…I walked away. At that time in my life, I only cared about appearances and he seemed too weak to be a part of my life. How wrong I was.
For 30 years he pursued me and tried to give me his loving care. I ran away from it. As a result of my actions, I led a terrible existence. Today, I am aware that I should have listened. All the other so-called romantic relationships I’ve had have ended terribly. Especially my weddings. Disaster after disaster. I never found what was right in front of my eyes all the time. Subconsciously… I missed him. I had looked for the same attributes in others that I had been blessed with in my life from day one…subconsciously, I missed him.
Recently we were brought together because I was a writer. I was researching the people I needed to complete my life story. My conscious mind began to manifest its image and the result was a good feeling and a sense of peace when I was reminded of the best friend I ever had. Suddenly I had an epiphany! I really liked him. Just as suddenly, my heart started breaking into a million pieces and I desperately wanted to call him out and cover him with my newfound realization…but I didn’t. Instead, I arranged a meeting between the two of us. I was as dizzy as a schoolgirl. I learned later that he was too. I wanted to know everything about his life. We laughed and cried as we got to know each other. He also confessed that several times during our separation, he had been in the shadows to support me if I ever found myself in trouble. What an incredible man!
Now we’re active friends again…about 30 years later.
Whenever we are together, the strong sense of attachment is always prevalent. We flirt and have fun, but we never act on those deep-seated feelings that pop up from time to time. He’s a married man and I don’t dare cross that line.
On Christmas day he called me and wished me a Merry Christmas. I was overjoyed and started crying. He also finally admitted that there was no earthly force that could change what he still feels inside for me.
I can honestly say that I feel the same. At first, when I heard his confession, I started to hate myself for this situation, but it was my selfishness and lack of sensitivity that led to this difficult situation. In the midst of what I felt for myself, GOD intervened and assured me that the reason we had been brought together was so that we could enjoy true friendship as GOD had ordained in the first place. God always gets what God wants…no matter what.
Now we can carry on through what time we have left as true friends and my old friend’s love for me is well received…this time. If I could do it all over again… I would. But knowing what I know now about life… would allow ME to make the best decision for everyone involved. And I would never have to say the words I miss you because we would spend eternity together as one!
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